Christmas movie marathons are basic cable's gift to the world - but sometimes we wish they'd saved the receipt. Here are six agonizing Yuletide romps that should have put their creators on Hollywood's eternal naughty list.
Jack Frost: flaky rock-star dad Michael Keaton dies, comes back as a grotesque snowman, teaches and learns various lessons about life and love, melts. Why?
Four Christmases: Thinner gruel than anything the Cratchits ever ate, this "four-quadrant" "all-star" throatpunch manages to be lifeless and obnoxious at the same time. So obviously a product of "hit X meets hit Y" studiothink that Roger Ebert's classic scathing review takes the form of an imaginary pitch meeting. We bet the real pitch was even dumber.
The Christmas Shoes: If you thought the title song was saccharine and awful and manipulative and cheap, you'll love the full-length TV movie. A key step in Rob Lowe's charm offensive to rehabilitate his image after, you know, that unpleasantness back in the '90s. Heartwarming, or something.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Magically defiles Christmas and Dr. Seuss in one repulsive throw. At least they didn't have the rights to Batman, Bugs Bunny, or Jesus.
Santa Claus: The Movie: has any other Christmas movie promised so much and delivered so little? I tried to watch this tedious, ponderous mess over and over when I was a kid, and always fell asleep or wandered off to pop some bubble wrap or something. Shouldn't a movie about Santa Claus be fun?
Silent Night, Deadly Night: although the trailer is too gross and stupid for me to reproduce here, this list just wouldn't be complete without the hack 'n' slash franchise that has spattered gore across the mistletoe for nearly 30 excruciating years now. I don't even want to contemplate whatever psychological impulses are motivating the audience for this idiocy, but it doesn't say promising things for our future as a civilization.
So what about you? What jingle bombs can ruin your Christmas?